The Happiness Project: Remembrance

Remember back in November when I said that month didn’t go how I thought it would? Yeah, that was cute. I had no clue what February had in store for me but it certainly didn’t turn out as planned. 

I didn’t have a whole lot planned for this month other than my usual tribute to my mom. Since 2016 I’ve been getting tattoos on the anniversary of her death. I’m not really sure how it started happening but considering she always wanted one but was too afraid, I thought it was fitting. She died on February 3, 2010, so this year was the ten year anniversary and I was going to get a special tattoo for her. My very first tattoo was a rose and I was going to get a sunflower (her favourite flower) to go with it. However, the date rolled around and I didn’t have the money for a tattoo and also I wasn’t as in love with the idea as I once was. I still want a sunflower for my mom but I think it’s going to be in a different style than the rose on my arm and in a different spot. 

I didn’t realize this month was going to have so many romantic milestones that meant so much until they happened. If my girlfriend is reading this, I apologize in advance but you were warned. So I have a tendency to dwell on the negative so if something happened with my ex that was bad or bittersweet it affects how I view it now. Confused yet? Let me give some examples directly from this month. One thing my ex did was say she loved me before she actually meant it. Not saying she never did, but she didn’t the first time she didn’t. My current girlfriend and I exchanged these words recently and it was so different. It was thought out and we were both sure. It felt so nice to actually feel confident in this. 

If anyone has read this blog for a while, you know how I feel about Valentine’s day. I mean last time I tried to be romantic before this year, I just about cut my finger off. (Please see that story here) This year we had a nice Valentine’s day and I didn’t feel the bittersweet feelings of the past. Why? Cause I’m finally healing and that’s amazing to me. 

Another thing I have issues with is trip planning because it’s bitten me in the ass before so when Angela (the girlfriend, in case I haven’t mentioned her name on here before) mentioned we should go to Montreal for our one year anniversary I was more than a little hesitant. Trust me, I want to go but also what if she changes her mind? Well! I’m happy to say our flights are booked so guess she’s stuck with me now. 

The last thing to do with relationships this month was bowling. Why bowling? Let me explain. So bowling was something I used to do with my mom because she was competitive as hell and she liked to beat us all. And she did. Every. Single. Time. So anyway. A couple of years ago I thought I would try it again since it never seemed the same without her. So on the day that would’ve been her birthday, my ex and I went. And then she broke up with me the next day. So yeah. There went my idea to get back into bowling. However I recently went with my girlfriend and my best friend and we were all terrible, but also we had so much fun! 

It sounds like I’m speaking negatively about my ex, but I’m really not. I think there’s always been a part of me that feels like I don’t deserve to be happy in my relationship though because my last one ended less than well. That’s not her fault. That’s my own mindset. And I think I’m finally to the point where I can remember the past and also realize I deserve the present and future. 

Changing lanes now, in a month I thought would be about my mom, it ended up not being about her a lot at all. However, it became a lot about family. I actually made an effort to talk to my parents and grandmother more. I’d like to say this was a conscious effort just because I should, but it took a little bit of a wake-up call first. My best friend’s mom (who I consider family) had a stroke. She’s fine, honest, I just saw her and if it wasn’t for the walker you’d never know. However, it reminded me that life is short. So I’m trying to remember all the good times now. And maybe call my parents more often. 

Join me next month for March’s theme “play”, which hopefully actually goes the way I intend it.